Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em Review
If one were to only look at the box cover to Mystique’s Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em, one might think the game is an ice cream eating contest. The main graphic is of a redheaded woman with an extremely long tongue eating a vanilla ice cream cone. However, many troubling things appear on the box along with that image. The phrase “adult video game cartridge” appears twice and a disclaimer reads that the game is “not for sale to minors”. Developer Mystique apparently partnered with a company called “Swedish Erotica” for the release of this game. Not being very familiar with Sweden, I made the mistake of attempting to research this “Swedish Erotica” company on the world-wide web. Thankfully, my content filters kicked in and blocked almost everything associated with that name. From what I could gather, the company is a smut peddler from Europe and that’s pretty much all I needed to know.
Thankfully, Atari is free from blame here as Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em is an unlicensed game for the Atari 2600. Mystique even went so far to notate on the game’s box that they are in no way affiliated with Atari. Probably a wise move, because if I were Atari I would be livid after seeing this game. I cautiously loaded this game and was treated to one of the most disgusting scenes my television set has ever been forced to display – and this is the same television where I watched “President” Obama get elected twice. The entire game board appears to be a building with a nude man standing on top of it. Below, on street level appears to be two malformed nude women. The nude women had their necks contorted in such a way that their open mouths faced upwards toward the nude man.
What happens next is an abomination.
I’m not sure if the colors are off on my television but one of two things transpired. Option #1, the nude man began to urinate in timed bursts that the nude women attempted to catch in their mouth. Option #2, the nude man was pleasuring himself and ejaculating semen off of the top of the building. I found a description, as some of the Wikipedia article was unblocked, and it theorized it was the second option. Judging from the now more clear and abhorrent title, I’m inclined to agree.
The player controls the two nude women and the “goal” is to catch the deposits from the nude man without allowing any to hit the ground. Points are awarded for each unborn child the women catch. Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em repeats with the same sequence over and over as many early Atari games do.
Nothing about Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em is acceptable. Not even close. Thankfully the game is incredibly rare, likely due to it’s unlicensed status and the fact that many retailers refused to stock the “adult only” Atari 2600 games. A seller on Amazon claims to have a copy for sale. We at Conservative Gamer cannot recommend spending even one penny on this garbage.