Crime Fighters Review
1989 was a great year for arcade video games. Last time we detailed the amazing Sly Spy and today we’re taking a look at Crime Fighters. I don’t know what game developers were doing in 1989, but they clearly had an idea of the kind of terrors we as Americans would be facing in 2015.
Crime Fighters tells the tale of an America where not only has President Obama repealed the 2nd Amendment, but liberal pressures have rendered the police force either useless or non-existent. In this lawless version of the United States, a man, referred to as a “fat toad” in the opening sequence has taken it upon himself to kidnap about a dozen women. Since we have no police, it is up to you as the playable character to fight your way to these women and liberate them.
Konami made things simple enough. As guns have been outlawed, they only needed to make a “punch” and a “kick” button. You can press both to execute a “jumping kick”. You face an onslaught of enemies that vary slightly. You have your Bernie Sanders supporter “punk rock” guys, you have layabout greasers, and later in the game you face rather annoying “karate” fighters, a scantily clad woman with a whip, and a man using an illegal firearm. That’s right. No guns for the “good guys” but the bad guys have still managed to get guns even though they’ve clearly been outlawed. Imagine that. The “fat toad” even wields an assault rifle or “long gun” at the end of the game. I wonder how he managed to come across that in a time when guns have been banned? It should be impossible!
The lesson Konami teaches Americans in Crime Fighters is that even when your country has abandoned law and order, one man can still make a difference and save the women that need rescuing. After fighting your way though the liberal, deviant scum, you face off against the main boss and his bodyguard. Surprisingly both have firearms, but thanks to Obama, you have you use your fists and your feet to save the day. Thankfully, you’re a tough guy and can absorb a lot of illegal ammunition. Throughout the game you never encounter any police or other law enforcement officers. I take that to mean, at best, they’re all sitting in the station scared of being considered racist, homophobic, or sexist for attempting to bring any of these liberal criminals to justice. At worst, this society has outlawed the police entirely and has put them all behind bars.
Once you rescue the damsels in distress, you “win” them all. One can imagine in a lawless society such as in a post-Obama / post-Sanders dystopia, a man like the playable character would want to rescue these ladies and take them to his fortified compound in the woods. I assume that is what happens in the future in this game’s story line. It’s logical.
After “winning” the game, Konami makes you fight all of the bosses again at the same time in an incredibly frustrating post-credits level. I’ll give this to the developers, though. They managed to take a game designed to eat quarters and make you keep playing even after defeating the “fat toad” boss. Once you defeat all of the level bosses again, the game just resets. Likely because even more women have been kidnapped by some other obese man and there is no effective police force to do anything about it.
The gameplay is just okay. I enjoyed the fact that the game encourages you to kick your opponent while they are down. The first time you knock down a punk a “kick” icon appears over their fallen body and the game invites you to kick them on the ground. The weapons are largely useless. When you pick up a knife, the character does a stupid “butterfly knife” routine that causes an enemy to punch the knife out of your hand about ninety percent of the time. The hand gun, or “short gun”, that you are able to pick up has limited ammunition so it too is quite ineffective. I imagine it is because the ammo in this kind of dystopian future is weak thanks to Obama and Bernie Sanders passing legislation making it difficult to even obtain quality ammo on the black market. The hit detection in the game is some of the worst I’ve yet to experience. I can’t tell you how many times I punched and kicked right through a greaser because I was standing to close to him. It gets incredibly frustrating later in the game when you must perfectly time jump kicks in order to create any separation between your character and the mob of villains.
Despite its flaws, Crime Fighters is an important game to show to young people. It allows youngsters to come to the realization that even if the liberals destroy America and it gets this bad, likely some tough, blonde man will be around to beat sense into the thugs and save all of the women that need saving.