Sly Spy Review
In 1989, Data East had no way of knowing they were predicting the dark future we are living through in 2015 America when they developed their game Sly Spy. A “terrorist force” called CWD has taken over the United States from within and unsurprisingly, they look like Iraqi or Syrian militants. Sound familiar? Thankfully, this happens during George H.W. Bush’s presidency so we have one man who can save us. Special Agent 777 – Sly. While it is believable that a great leader like President Bush would have formed a secret agency to train someone like Sly, the story becomes even more realistic when you imagine this story set in 2017 after President Trump is inaugurated.
With the Syrian militant refugees already having seized Washington D.C., the game begins immediately. Sly has to skydive into D.C., all the while managing to shoot CWD agents out of the sky who are trying to stop him. Not long after is the showdown in front of the watchful eyes of Abe Lincoln. You can almost feel the American Pride seeping out of President Lincoln’s eyes as Sly guns down the terrorists inside the Lincoln Memorial to protect this great nation.
Strangely, the Syrian CWD refugee terrorists have aligned themselves with odd allies. Namely, a man who has metallic arms, a bald man with a top hat, and randomly interspersed American punk rockers with rocket-propelled grenade launchers. I don’t know who the two “level boss” guys are, but clearly the punk rockers are disillusioned supporters of Bernie Sanders who turned to CWD after Trump won a landslide victory in the 2016 election. With Trump in the White House, the refugees realized they would not have another four to eight years to hide and continue to build their plans under a Clinton or Sanders administration.
The terrorists in the Sly Spy are able to mind control sharks, dogs, and tigers; just like the real life refugee terrorists. Sly has no choice but to put down these terrorist animals who have had their minds corrupted by the refugee terrorists. Along the way, Sly collects pieces of a gun made of solid gold called the “Golden Gun”. Tell me that does not sound exactly like a special weapon that President Trump would have invested a ton of research and development dollars into. The Golden Gun destroys anything in its path, but like all good things, it is only available for a limited time.
I enjoyed the attention to detail in this game. Much like other military games we’ve reviewed on this site, Sly Spy has guns with limited ammunition. Sly is forced to scrounge for additional ammo from the carcasses of CWD refugee terrorists, just like he’d have to do in real life. Also, it’s accurate when Sly dies while riding his motorcycle. Just like in real life, the dead body slumps over, but the bike continues driving in a straight line. I bet you’d think that the bike would topple over in such a situation – but I’ve seen enough videos from Russian YouTube channels to know this is not true and Sly Spy got the physics correct.
Of course, the end game here is for Sly to eliminate the terrorist threat and prevent the lead CWD terrorist from launching nuclear weapons to wipe out the United States. We never learn the lead terrorist’s name, but I’m willing to bet he and his “family” came over to the United States during Obama’s watch as “refugees” and President Trump is left to clean up the mess. Typical.
Once Sly saves America from the Syrian CWD terrorist refugee threat, he meets the President and then poses for a photo shoot on the White House lawn with six women in tight dresses. The women, clearly overtaken with American Pride, have already planted kisses all over Sly’s clean white shirt. One can imagine that Sly will pick the most suitable mate of these six and go forth to procreate; making a future savior for America in the process.
All in all, this game is the most patriotic and Pro-America game I’ve played in quite some time. It is a shame this was never ported to the NES or Super Nintendo, as it could have reached a larger number of impressionable American youth that way.